Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
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