Pregnant stripper...not hot.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Randomize
