Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Randomize
