its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
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