I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Randomize
