Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
