We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
