btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
