so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
