You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
