I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize