I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
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