I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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