Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
