Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize