just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
