Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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