you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
