I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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