i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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