lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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