Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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