you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
