Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
