If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
