dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
