I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Randomize
