speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
