You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
