Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Randomize
