Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
