When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
this just has baby written all over it
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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