Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
