On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
