i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
