so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Randomize
