She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
