Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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