i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
