i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize