So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
We left the knife in your bed.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
