I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
