she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
