the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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