drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
