I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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