it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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