while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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