I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I forgot wine drunk hurts
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
