i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
