One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
