i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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