I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
