When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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