She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
