I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Randomize
