I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
