who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
