There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
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