I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
